We Got Sucked into A Black Hole!
by Lady Edelweiss
Summary: Carn, Petra, Ender, Nikolai, and Bean get sucked into a black hole while playing a new video game at Battle School and visit some very interesting places.
1. The Getting Sucked in Process

Disclaimer- I disclaim all that is not mine to claim, however I claim all that is mine to claim, and all that is mine is mine, mine, mine, all mine!

Sorry about the shortness, but I'm in a rush, please review, you know the drill.

Chapter 1

Carn's pov.

Ender, Bean, Petra, Nikolai, and I decided to give this new video game a try. It was called White Patch (get the irony?). You'd think that the Dragon Army kids would have zero free time to spend, but Ender talked the teachers into giving them a one day break. Surprisingly, they obliged. It seemed normal enough, steering ships through a maze consisting mostly of asteroids, comets, and small wandering planets. That was until we got to the white patch part.

"Hey, all I see is the blank screen!"

"Push over, Petra, I can't get a good view of the screen!" While we were all chattering about the mysterious blank screen, nobody noticed that we were slowly moving. It was in some weird way like the screen was pulling us in, but it always seemed the same distance away.

Nikolai's pov.

Suddenly we were plunged in total, absolute darkness. None of us had ever been in complete darkness before, and it was scary.

"Is the station malfunctioning?" Petra asked.

"No, Bean went sneaking around today and all the energy controls were operating perfectly."

"Nikolai!"

"Sorry, Bean, but they all know anyways."

"How did you find out without me detecting?" Touchy, touchy.

"Well, you aren't the only genius here. I'm only behind you by about one zillionth of a point in the standings," Ender pointed out.

"Hey, I don't seem to be breathing!" Carn exclaimed. That shut everyone up. Then the dead silence hit us. It was the creepiest feeling you could ever imagine. No light or sound at all. Not even the sound of our own breathing.


	2. Sheer Craziness

Disclaimer- I disclaim all that I do not own, and I claim all that I do own.

A.N. Please review if you read this, and I know that this is just plain weird, but that's me. Just in case you don't know the characters at the tea party are: Bean, Petra, and Nikolai from Ender's Shadow. Ginny from Harry Potter. Alex from the Alex Rider series, Nita from the Young Wizards series, Dottie and Sam from the Redwall series, Charlotte from Charlotte's Web and Sunny and Violet from A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Chapter 2- Sheer Craziness

Bean's pov.

This silence, this darkness, was much more frightening than even hiding in that toilet had been. Suddenly, I realized something.

"I have absolutely no idea how I know this, but we are in a black hole."

"What?" Carn, Petra, and Ender all asked simultaneously. Nikolai just stared.

I knew I'd read something about how this sort of thing happened. And then just once again, I knew something.

"We aren't real. We're characters in a story made up by some person called Orson Scott Card. We are now being transported to a mad tea party. And suddenly, they all knew too.

Normal pov.

They all heard a loud, booming voice of this story's author.

"I'm taking Carn and Ender out. Sorry you guys, but there are too many people in this story." Carn and Ender suddenly disappeared. The author continued.

"I'm having you three attend a mad tea party for some of my favorite characters. You should all be feeling very honored." The author then departed, leaving them to their own devices.

"Okay." Petra said.

"Well, that was just a little strange, but lets see what's happening, since it's clear we have to see this tea party out," Nikolai said sensibly. The threesome saw that they had arrived in a very prettyful flowery garden. They saw several others seated at a large, fancy, and worst of all, _pink _table. Ginny Weasley, Alex Rider, Nita Callahan, Dorothea Duckfontein Dillworthy, Sam Squirrel, Sunny Baudelaire, Charlotte the spider, and Violet Baudelaire were all there.

"Ah, I see my last guests have arrived," everyone saw that their host was none other than Rumplestiltskin. How he managed to get back together when he ripped himself in two was anybody's guess, but there he was.

"Now, I planned this little tea party for absolutely no reason, as you probably all guessed."

"Well, as you flippin' well brought us here, I suppose you expect us fatal beauties to enjoy ourselves, wot?" Dottie observed. "I say lad, you're from Redwall, and Mattimeo, is that correct? My, I can neverkeep all those books our author writes straight, he writes so many." Shesaid toSam.

"Why, yes, and your that fatal beauty from Lord Brocktree, is that correct?" Sam inquired, winking at Dottie.

"Yes, that's all quite interesting, but I have more important questions. For example, why in all fictiondom is this tea table pink, and why is there a spider here?" Ginny asked. It seems fear of spiders was hereditary in the Weasley family.

"The table is pink because pink is my favorite color, and this is my garden, so it can be any color I want. So there!" Rumplestiltskin was just a bit touchy about the color pink.

"Apparently I am here because the very nice author like spiders, and my name is Charlotte, not spider," Charlotte replied.

"Noooouuut!" Sunny screamed, which most likely meant "I'm hungry!" for a bowl of carrot sticks and maroon lemonade appeared before her.

"Nout?" Alex seemed to ask of the pink table, and sure enough, a cup of tea and a slice of cake appeared before him. Soon everyone figured out this strange method of summoning food, and all ate cake and carrot sticks, drank tea and maroon lemonade, and chatted about very odd stuff, literally.

"You know, my cute, cuddly teddy bear has very odd stuff in him." Nita commented.

"Odd stuff, as in stuffing, like turkey stuffing?" Nikolai asked Nita.

"You know, the Salamandastron cooks never serve stuffing with out turkey."

"How do you manage to carry a turkey up a mountain like Salamandastron? Most turkeys are larger than hares and badgers," Sam pointed out to Dottie.

"You live on a mountain? We (gesturing to Petra and Nikolai) live on a space station. Battle School, in fact." Bean informed the party.

"What is this Battle School?" asked Ginny.

"Well, since the Buggers invaded Earth, the International Fleet started gathering the most brilliant military minded kids and trained them to lead soldiers in battle against the Buggers," explained Petra.

"We're supposed to call them the Formics. 'Bugger' is not proper English. Even though the words are in I.F. Common, it started out in English." Charlotte told her.

"Wait a minute, how do you know about their book-world? I never told you!" The author had suddenly reappeared. Then, in a puff of pink smoke, she vanished again.

"Well, Fern read Wilbur and me that book," Charlotte said, not seeming to notice the vanishment of the author.

"The Formics, they are, they are,

Painting your car, your car!" Alex had had the sudden inspiration for a song.

"How on did we ever get to this topic when we were discussing Nita's teddy bear?" Violet asked of no one in particular.

"Well, you all should really get going to your separate book-worlds. Bye-bye!" Rumplestiltskin said. Then everything went black once again.

"So your finally back, eh?" Ender's voice drifted over to the three.

"What happened to you two when the author took you away?"

"No need to answer, the author is playing our adventure to you right now." Carn pointed to a small portable TV glowing inside the black hole.


	3. Pleased to meet you, Magellan

Disclaimer-I only own the wacky and crazy and zany but brilliant ideas that come out of my own head.

A.N. Yes I know it isn't entirely fair that Petra, Nikolai, and Bean get all the fun at the tea party, but Ender and Carn will eventually have some fun. And I know Magellan wasn't English, but I don't know any Spanish or Portuguese, so I had to have the crew speak English. And no offense, to youSir Magellan, but this is in another dimension, so I hope you don't mind, since I don't want you turning in your grave. I'm serious.

Chapter 3- Pleased to meet you, Commander Magellan.

The little TV showed a stormy sea, and a fleet of five old-fashioned ships struggling to steer themselves out of the way of a gigantic wave. Carn was up on the ratlines of the main mizzen mast on a ship called the Trinidad. Ender was clinging to the bowsprit of the Victoria, which dipped him dangerously into the freezing cold water.

"Ferdinand Magellan's fleet, inside the All Saints' Channel, later named the Magellan Strait. Highly dangerous, stormy waters, not mention so near Antarctica, and therefore very, very cold," it was the author kindly narrating the perilous journey.

"Turn the volume up, Petra," Ender called out.

"We're in null-G dolt, with nothing to kick off of.You'd think the kid second-highest in the standings could figure that out." Petra replied. She seemed rather irritated at this author, who was getting to seem more and more crazy.

"Kick off Carn, he's right behind you, and big enough to be a good launcher for you." Ender said.

"Okay." Petra complied, and reached the TV. She turned up the volume, and now all of them could hear the waves crashing, and the crew screaming. They could especially hear Ender, who had a ridiculously high-pitched scream.

"You could do very well in the opera, Ender. You have talent." Nikolai solemnly commented. All but Ender chuckled, then laughed uproariously, and in the process, missed half the tape.

"Hey, there's no rewind button on this stupid TV!" Carn complained.

"Who uses TVs nowadays anyway? They're so old and not to mention out of date." Bean asked.

"Hey, watch it little kid. It was the only thing available in this particular black hole. And for making that rude comment, you're out of the next adventure. Bye-bye, Bean." The author's voice had come up again, and Bean was swept away into oblivion.

"Now, just to be nice, I'll rewind the tape for you people. I have the remote." The kids waited patiently for a minute or so, and then the tape started over again. Ender's shriek could be heard once again.

"Captain Cartagena! This would be a good time to kill the incompetent commander." A rat-faced man had spoken up.

"No. Not yet. The middle of a storm is hardly a good time to carry out mutiny!" An important-looking man, presumably Capt. Cartagena shouted over the gale.

Suddenly, Carn let out a Tarzan yell, and swung himself down right in front of the legendary explorer, Magellan. At the same time, the hulls of the Trinidad and the Victoria clashed, and Ender was thrown onto the Trinidad, right next to Carn.

"How do you do, Sir Magellan? I am Sir Wiggin, and this is my associate Sir Carby," Ender politely introduced himself and Carn while lying on the soaked deck.

"How do you both do?" Magellan politely replied. "As you can see, my crew of very nice men are very nicely contending with the very kind elements." There was not a hint of sarcasm in his voice. Apparently, he was ever bit as crazy as Rumplestiltskin was. He then gestured for the two of them to climb up the main mast up to a little platform.

"Come, we can fold little paper airplanes up there. It is the perfect weather for them, don't you think?" Magellan said.

"Of course, good sir. But may I ask how you know of paper airplanes in the 16th century?" Carn inquired of him.

"Oh, these nice little devices were invented by the ancient Phoenicians, you know. They also invented the game of Scrabble, and also hide-and-go-seek. They were quite a jolly civilization."

"Okay, I have officially concluded that this man is every bit as crazy as the author." Ender said.

"I totally agree." So those three folded up exactly 999,999 paper airplanes using super-speed, then attempted to fly them, but of course in the ferocious storm all were soaked through, and sank into the sea. Then Ender and Carn disappeared, and the tape ended.

"Okay, that was even weirder than our tea party," Petra said.

"Oh, tell us about it, tell us!" Carn begged. Petra wasn't a really good storyteller, so Nikolai summarized the crazy tea party for them, and they all vanished into their next strange adventure.


	4. The first store

Disclaimer- Sometimes, at night, lying there in bed, I dream and fantasize of owning all of these wondrous, fantastical, and prettyful novels. Including Ender's Shadow. But alas, oh woe of woes! I do not.

PrincessEilonwy- Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews! I love my adoring fans! (For this story, that's really only you, but, oh well. I love you anyways!)

A.N. Toodle doo, booboos, will forever remain a mystery to you unless you attended the Arnone School. Also, I know Bean sounds a little too much like Artemis Fowl in this chapter, but the clerk deserved it.

Dedicated to my beautiful keyboard that I can type so quickly and beautifully on.

Chapter 4- The first shop.

Boom! A blinding flash of white light and the weary travelers were deposited onto the streets of Rotterdam, to perform the world's most despicable, horrifying, tormenting task of all tasks.

"Ah, yes. Here you are, Bean, and all of your wonderful little friends, too," Sister Carlotta had just stepped out of a building.

"Excuse me, but some of us are not that little!" Carn said indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, you really aren't all that little, are you?" Sister Carlotta apologized to him and Petra.

"Hello, Sister Carlotta," Bean greeted her.

"Oh, so you're the Sister Carlotta that found Bean. Very pleased to meet you. I always thought that you would be really nice," Nikolai flattered the sister.

"Why, thank you. You seem like a nice boy too. Now, I have a task for all of you. This time, the adventure won't be so crazy. But it is torture. It is the very heart of evil itself. It is…" She paused dramatically for effect. "The holiday shopping!"

"No!" the kids all gasped in terror. How could the black hole, however crazy and kooky and zany, be this evil enough to force them to do this? It was horrifying!

"Sister Carlotta, are you sure? The black hole is making us do this? What if we don't survive? Battle School is going to get sued by loads and loads of parents and guardians for the deranged game and it won't have enough money left to train us properly to defeat the Buggers," Ender, as always, was worried about the Bugger war.

"Yes, unfortunately, it is. You must do as it directs you, otherwise you'll never get back to Battle School," Sister Carlotta explained to them.

"Now, here is my list. You must get each item on the list, otherwise it doesn't count." She handed the list to Petra, and pointed in the direction of the stores, and off the fivesome went.

"Toodle doo, booboos!" Everyone thought, "What?"

Several minutes of walking later.

"Well, here we are, people. At the (gasp) mall. Now, first we need to get a frilly, bright pink party dress with tons of ribbons and lace on it. For Sister Carlotta's niece," Petra read off. The group headed into the Little Girls' Ridiculous Dresses store. They split up, and found blues, whites, purples, and yellows, but surprisingly, no pink dresses.

"We're, (gulp) have to ask someone for help!" Nikolai wailed. (He had a bad history with store clerks.)

Bean took a deep breath, which may very well be his last, and walked over to the cash register. There was a tiny problem, though. Bean's head didn't even go up to the top of the desk. This made it doubly hard for him to speak up. He cleared his throat.

"Um, excuse me," he asked in the Dutch he hadn't spoken for so long.

"Huh? Who's talking?" The man behind the register looked around.

"Down here, mister," Bean told him.

"Oh, wow you're a little kid. What are you, three? Where's your mommy, kid?" the rude clerk asked.

"For your information, I am six years old. I have no idea who or where my mother is, and if you are going to waste my time asking silly questions, then I had better go find someone else to assist me," Bean coolly replied.

"Hey, no offense, kid. What do you need?" he asked.

"I need a frilly, bright pink party dress with tons of ribbons and lace on it," Bean read right off the list.

"Hmmm. We might be out of that, extremely popular, you know, but let me go check in our storage room," he said as he flounced over to a small door in the corner. The kids could now see what he was wearing. And it was enough to give anybody nightmares. He was wearing a lavender apron with a big picture of a pansy on it, a bright red mini-skirt, turquoise tights, and glittering green high heels.

"That guy has a very interesting fashion choice," Carn commented. "What did he say, Bean?"

"He said that the store might be out, but he'd check in the storage room. How long do you think it will take? If it takes too long, we all might catch the deadly plague of ridiculousness!" Bean whispered.

"Bean. We attend Battle School. We wear uniforms. How are we going to exercise a sense of ridiculousness there?" Ender said.

"I don't know. But this plague is highly contagious. It could destroy our personality forever!" They waited for a few minutes. And a few more minutes. And a few more minutes.

"Where is that guy?" Petra asked. And then, he came out.

"Now, little munchkin. What size did you say you wanted?" the clerk asked. He held up the dress. Way too big for the niece, but just right for … Petra!

"Hey, is it for you? Well try it on!" the clerk dragged Petra away to the dressing room.

"You guys! Save me! I'm being abducted! I'll be tortured! Nooooooo!" the poor victim screamed. The boys could only look on helplessly. They heard screams, and the clerk insisting that she put it on, and then- she came out. The sight was even worse that the clerk himself. She looked… pink. And frilly. And ribbony. And absolutely ridiculous. It was shocking.

Finally, Bean managed to speak. "Um, the dress wasn't for her. We need a size five, please."

"Well, why didn't you say so? I'll get for you right away." The clerk flounced off yet again. Several moments later, he came out holding the correct dress. The kids paid, Petra put her Phoenix Army uniform back on, and they all fled the horrendous store.


	5. The Street

Disclaimer- See previous chapters

**Callisto Greene**- I have updated!

**PrincessEilonwy**- Why do you favor Petra, Bean, and Nikolai, but you say Ender and Carn should be punished. What did they do? Well, yes, Petra is the best, but the clerk is demented.

**SilverGryphin**- Sorry, I've only read Ender's Shadow, so I really don't know the whole story. I think I was thinking about the test scores. Also, I do try to show. I know the pov changes were confusing. So I'm sticking with normal pov now.

**Raablyn**- You seem to really like this story. I shall use some of your ideas, and yes, I have finally updated.

Chapter 5- The street

"Hey, victims!" The author caught the kids just as they were leaving the terrifying store. "I'm sorry. I did say I would take Bean out, didn't I? Oh well, this way is better. You can all suffer. Besides, you need him to translate. Toodles!" She disappeared with a pop and a puff of sparkly, silver mist.

"Why, why, why does she torment us so? WHY!" Petra half screamed at the pigeons who were flapping directly above the group.

"Uh-oh. Petra. You. Scared. Pigeons. You scared pigeons! You know what that means, don't you?" Carn said in a loud stage whisper.

"Oh. Neh. Sorry about that. May I suggest we… RUN FOR OUR LIVES!" Petra really screamed this time. Unfortunately, Ender and Nikolai did not move fast enough.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They yelled simultaneously as big, disgusting globs of you-know-what dropped down from the sky.

"Eww. Nikolai, dearest brother, you have, ahem, pigeon you-know-what in your hair. And Ender, you really don't look like much of a commander with you-know-what plastered all over your face," Bean commented.

"Why did I look up? Why orbiting and on earth did I do that? Why? Oh gross! I need a shower. Right now," Ender spluttered through the you-know what.

"Disgusting. I need a shower too. Ick. It is in my hair. And Bean, why did you call me dearest brother?" Nikolai was apparently a bit confuzzled and grossed out.

"Aren't you guys getting the same flood of information on the books as I am? Hmm. The author must believe I'm the only worthy one. Ha-ha!" Bean boasted. The others simply stared. "Oh. You want an explanation. Well, you know the eggs your parents have stored away? Well, they were stolen a long, long time ago. All of us. Then the man had to close down, and all of our other twins were incinerated. But I hid in the toilet and grew up on the streets of this city. So, you are my long-lost identical twin. But there's another thing. We were experimented on, so our lives would shorten and we could gain more knowledge, and so I really don't look like you did when you were my age. Okay, what's the next store?" Bean explained.

"That's a bit, confuzzling. Oh, I'm getting new info too. Ohh. I never come home after the war?" Ender asked.

"Nope. Sorry. Orson Scott Card had to make things sad. Anyways, I'm living up the tale a bit now. I'd be very observant if I were you, for your own good." It was the author again.

"Oh, no you don't, you maniac person. You are suffering the same fate as us! Have a taste of your own medicine!" Carn grabbed the insane author of this fanfic and held on.

"Hey, you can't do that! I'm sorry for the pigeon stuff, okay? Let me go, you stupid commander! Noooo!" The author screamed. Just then, it happened.

"Guys, why are there parrots in Rotterdam?" Petra asked.

"See? This is what I was trying to warn you about! These birds are very territorial, and in your yelling and capturing, we have stumbled into their nesting grounds!" The author was starting to panic.

"They nest in a chocolate factory?" Ender asked.

"Hey, it seemed like a good idea!" The author said indignantly.

"People, the parrots are singing something," Nikolai said. Then the poor, poor characters heard a snatch of the song.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" **Five terrified voices screamed at the absolute top of their lungs.

"Hey! What's the matter with the song. I like it. It's a classic!" The author pouted.

"**WE KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, EVERYBODY'S NERVES, EVERYBODY'S NERVES! **

**WE KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES,**

**AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!**

**WE KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES**-"

The parrots all squawked. And mind you, there were 999,999 of the parrots, all belting out the song at the top of their lungs, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and _over_. Of course, everybody ran, leaving only the mad author to appreciate the beautiful music.


End file.
